A voice in
my head that’s been there for as long as I can remember makes two types of
statements in tandem in group and similar situations: “Look at/listen to me/pick
me” and “They never look at/listen to/pick me.” Usually I talk back to this
voice, or try to drown it out by talking to the people around me. Sometimes I
remind it repeatedly that I don’t want the task, job or responsibility being
discussed. While it may be quiet for a short time, this voice has not ceased
its prattle.
Today I
read in Eugene Peterson’s translation of the Bible, The Message, “My ego
is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before
you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God”
(Galatians 2:19-20). While this may describe Paul, and a few people I have met
in my life, my guess is most people do want to appear righteous—or appear
something—in front of others, as least more than occasionally.
How does
on, how do I, get from the voice in my head needing recognition to having my
ego no longer be central? How do I make the need to be noticed disappear? Is it
merely a question of drowning out that voice (when I can) and trying hard or longer
to do so until I succeed? Can a trip to a healing service or conference and
enough inner healing silence the needy voice forever? Is this the sort of
problem that counseling solves? Perhaps a spiritual discipline, or several, or
the twelve steps can accomplish it. Probably several of the listed tasks are
required.
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